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Posted by on Jun 23, 2008 in Diary of a Supermom, Silly But True | 1 comment

An Ode to Baz Luhrman Part 2: Life’s Absurd, yet Amusing Lessons

An Ode to Baz Luhrman Part 2: Life’s Absurd, yet Amusing Lessons

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As part of my series of blogs inspired by the single, “Suscreen,” (if you have not heard it, I highly reccomend picking it up…its so choice) I have decided to include  a list of the mundane and often times ridiculous lessons I have learned. This list also teaches an important lesson…Poke fun at yourself. Everbody does stupid things….might as well learn from them, have a good laugh, and pass on your hindsight to others.

  • A shoe does not make an effective hammer.
  • Steer clear of underage, highschool drop-out  rappers with multiple felonies and misdemeanors on their record. You are not that desperate for male attention. Run away.
  • If you are planning on trying sushi for the first time, have a vomit bag handy. At all costs, make every attempt to not leap over people to get to the trash can…especially when the trash can is situated directly in front of your highschool’s entire varsity football team.
  • Cloves have nothing to do with garlic, and DO NOT belong in spaghetti sauce. (At least I was ten when I learned this lesson…I’m a good cook now.)
  • Have the hose ready on the fourth of July. It is almost inevitable that one of your relatives will catch on fire…at least in our family.
  • Cookie dough tastes better on an ice cream cone.
  • If you are going  to downtown Portland, jot down which streets you are parking on. It is not pleasant to wander the streets for several hours trying to find your car.
  • Along the same lines, make sure you are getting on the correct Max. Winding up on the opposite side of town as your car at one in the morning is not a good thing. Interesting people hang out at the max station in the wee hours of the morning…
  • Under no circumstances leave your wet laundry in the washer while you are away on vacation.
  • If you happen to notice that water is pouring out of your ceiling fan onto a couch, something is probably wrong with your upstairs toilet.
  • If you live in an apartment or a condo/townhouse, and you are tired of your neighbor’s constant video game music, talking, etc., it is quite effective and rather amusing to open all your windows and play Barry Manilow music as loud as possible. In a pinch, you can also use Neil Diamond.
  • Always double check that what you are assuming (and about to dip a banana into) to be whipped cream, is in fact whipped cream. This is especially important when it is taco night in your school’s cafeteria, and when you found the bowl of “whipped cream” right next to the giant bowl of salsa. Also, question the quality of friends who don’t question why on earth you have a giant plate of sour cream.
  • Ottoman racing is a quality sport.
  • Nothing happens to worms when you put spray paint on them. (I swear I’m not a seven year old boy.)
  • If a movie features a rapper as its star, it probably isn’t worth watching. (Bones starring Snoop is my one exception..and perhaps 8 Mile.)
  • No matter how hard you try, your husband will probably not do your yoga DVD’s with you.
  • It is very funny to send your mother a subscription to a  magazine geared towards gay men.
  • Do not eat more than four or five sugar free gummy bears at a time.
  • Waterslides give you wedgies.
  • Under no circumstances should you ride on the Spinning Strawberry  at the fair.
  • Should you happen to be in college, make friends with all RA’s just in case you decide it is a good idea to run around a dorm after visiting hours and pound on all the doors.
  • Inevitably, your child will poop immediately after you have finished changing them.
  • If someone has toilet papered your house and you are in the yard cleaning it up in your pajamas, make sure yo u do not lock yourself out of your house…especially if your husband is not home, and you have just moved into your house and do not yet know your neighbors, and you have to walk a mile and a half to church to find your husband….
  • It is quite funny to exchange all the Tums in the bottle for Shock Tarts.
  • Powdered iced tea tastes like fabric softener.
  • If you ever have the opportunity to be a “rent-a-cop”…take it. Oh the power…
  • Aquafresh Extreme Clean tastes like Lysol.
  • Avoid guys who think it is fun for you to watch them play video games.
  • When you are working in an office and someone requests the number for another department, don’t accidentally give them your home number and then proceed to tell them that you are retarded.
  • If a college course is difficult for you, it would serve you best to pay attention to the material being presented, rather than the fact that your professor desperately needs to purchase an undershirt.
  • Don’t ever take a group of fifty children to the Pearson Air Museum.
  • Oatmeal is very hard to get out of your hair.
  • Don’t use the public bathrooms in Mexico.
  • Ketchup goes on anything except corn chips.
  • Hotel beds were not made for jumping.
  • If you lie very still on the ground, the search light won’t find you.
  • Beware of people who do any of the following: start screaming nonsense in German, hide in the cupboard in your dorm room, sing a Savage Garden song at the request of their mother to impress you on a first date, think that swim trunks are appropriate attire for the mall, and/or people who are carrying bags of trash that chase you down the street yelling that they will not hurt you.
  • If you heed my above advice, you will do yourself a favor. However, it is possible to live through all of these mistakes. Trust me, I know. =)
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1 Comment

  1. Very amusing, lol :)

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