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Posted by on Mar 20, 2011 in Diary of a Supermom, Featured, Parenthood | 27 comments

Losing Holden

Losing Holden

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Two years ago today, I had the worst day of my life….I heard the words no mother wants to hear….saw the image I never wanted to see…felt the sting of emptiness and the harsh blow of loss….grief was not a big enough word….it’s still not.

Three weeks earlier, this journey of grief….of faith…of strength…began..It was a typical Saturday evening. We were at our church’s evening service. I rose to sing, and felt a gush….and I knew…I ran to the bathroom to confirm what my heart and mind already knew to be true…My husband, our church worship pastor, was up front…leading…I found my mom, who went up and quietly told my husband what was happening. I arranged for my parents to take my two children home, and David and I rushed to the ER. The ride was painstakingly long….Never in my life has fear gripped me in a more powerful way. I would have done anything in the world to have stopped those moments from happening. Anything.

Waiting in the ER was like waiting for death…We wanted information….honesty…answers..compassion…and found none. We were scared and unsure of what to do….I remember David trying to distract me…distract himself…but my mind could not be moved from the tiny life inside me. Forced to sit through blood tests, gruff workers, and even a hospital survey, I kept thinking, “All I want is my baby…just tell me what is going on.” We were finally taken to an ultrasound area, where we got to see our child for the first time. He/She was beautiful…..and he/she was dancing. Dancing. In the midst of our pain and anguish, our precious baby was dancing….Looking back, it’s as if they were saying, “I’m going to be okay. I’m happy, and I will be okay.” I am so grateful for that moment of connection with my tiny baby..Because now, I have something to hold onto…I know they are dancing..

I remember asking the PA working with us if I needed to be worried. I asked him point blank, “Am I going to lose my baby?” He told me to get my hopes up…..that women hemorrhage and go on to deliver all the time…So, our hopes were up…We carried on as usual over the next few weeks. We even had another ultrasound, and were blessed with the opportunity to see our child again. I wish we would have known it was the last time on earth we would see their face…I would have looked longer….even a few more minutes…..What I would give for a few more minutes….

Several days after the ultrasound, we went in for our scheduled OB/GYN checkup. Our doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat, and took us to the ultrasound room…..and our life changed forever…We learned the meaning of grief…of loss…We were introduced to a type of pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy…We had lost Holden.

We chose the name Holden while we were waiting in the ER. We had been deciding between a few names up until then. David looked over at me and said, “Let’s name the baby Holden, because God is holding onto them.” Now, I don’t think we could have chosen a more suitable name, because God truly is holding them. In that I can take comfort. In that I can find a bit of relief from the intense grief that washes over me. My precious baby is in the arms of Jesus….and I know Holden is dancing…dancing before the throne of Christ…So, while I am here on earth, crying at my kitchen table…I can rejoice that my child is full of joy….Holden is with the One who can love him far better than I could….and I WILL one day hold my baby…the precious baby I never got to meet….and I longingly await that day…when my child comes skipping down the streets of gold to grab my hand and welcome me to Heaven.

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  1. So sorry for your loss!

  2. Grief and loss-

    outlined with a hope that is sure-

    beautifully written-

    deeply felt by those you are sharing with.

    Thank you for sharing your heart.
    Can’t wait to meet Holden someday.

  3. Poignant and moving post. We think of miscarriage as so private, but it’s even more devastating when you can’t share it. I know lots of women will read this and appreciate your experience and your honesty.

  4. Thank you for sharing what is so deeply personal and emotional. I know there are many other women who have experienced loss like this in one way or another, and will be blessed by your openness.

  5. Beautifully written, I have tears in my eyes. I was just talking to my friend about miscarriages the other day. We were talking about this little boy in South Africa who was brain dead for 12 years. When he woke up he began telling his mother about everything he had been doing in heaven for the past 12 years. And one of the things he mentioned was the part of heaven where all the miscarried and aborted babies are…your precious Holden is most definitely with Jesus…having the time of their life! I’m praying for you my friend.

  6. I saw this on twitter and had to hop over to read your poignant post. Thanks you for sharing your son’s story and the hope that strengthens you during your grief: expectation of a joyous reunion! Blessings!

  7. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you remember your precious child. Thank you so much for having the courage to write these words about your loss as I know it will be of comfort to some other mother and father going through the same thing. *hugs*

  8. We love you both and pray for you–little Holden is happy–healthy and loved there as well as here.

  9. I hope your pain eases and your family can heal from this horrible ordeal……You are right you will see him again someday and it will be wonderful!

  10. I am so sorry for the loss of Holden and that you have to have a day like this each year. I lost my daughter as an infant and the pain of her loss is so deep. My heart goes out to you.

  11. Bekki we lost babies in 1984 & 1986, before we had Braxton & Jordan. Although time has eased the pain, every year we are well aware of the day we lost them & their due date & wonder what our lives would have been like with them in it. Thank you for giving a voice to this very misunderstood loss, may your hearts be comforted.

  12. your post brought me to tears. I am sorry for your loss sweetie.

  13. Love you Bekki, praying for your sweet family!

  14. Well said. *Hugs*

  15. This brought tears to my eyes. It was beautifully written. No doubt it will be a sweet day in heaven when you do get to meet and hold your baby Holden. Love, Hugs & especially Prayers to you.

  16. Thank you for writing about Holden and your experience. I can fully understand your feelings, as I have lost 13 infants to miscarriage. So few even will discuss my children that are in heaven. My husband and I are blessed with 3 surviving children that we almost lost (due to profound prematurity) but I still when asked how many children I have want to say “16, with 3 on this earth”. I pray that I too will get to see and hold all my children someday, and should I get there before you I will take care of Holden until you arrive!

  17. Beautiful.

    Thank you so much for sharing this. By sharing Holden with us you have helped so many suffering similar heartbreak.

  18. That was written with amazing strength. I’m so sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))

  19. We lost our baby boy to stillbirth (full term) 4 months ago. No known cause. It’s heart wrenching and I know the absolute pain. It’s so important to share, so thank you.

  20. What a beautiful remembrance. How comforting is the knowledge that your baby will be waiting for you in heaven. ((Hugs))

  21. You are a truly beautiful woman and a wonderful parent. Stay comforted knowing that Holden is indeed with God and will forever live in your heart. Thank you for sharing with us.

  22. Beautifully written, Bekki…praying for you today. Love you.

  23. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    You husband came up with the perfect name. *hugs*


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