For Whatever It’s Worth: How I Came to Find God’s Plan in a Library
*Today’s post is much more personal than I typically write. It’s not often that I share stories from my real life. I hope you will enjoy this, and indulge me today as I share part of my story with you.
I was DONE. After a painful break-up and a year full of short-lived (and mostly meaningless) relationships, I was officially giving up on love. I remember sitting outside with a friend discussing just how stupid boys were, and making a pact to be done with dating. Love wasn’t real. Love was something you read about in fairy tales and stories. It just wasn’t going to happen again for me.
I left on a youth staff retreat that week. In the beauty of central Oregon, I had some much needed time away. On the last day of our retreat, our youth pastor had each of us experience a “quiet day.” We were dropped off in downtown Bend, and told to spend the day in silence. I perched on a rock at the lake and read my Bible. I walked through the town, enjoying the sights and sounds. Towards the end of the day, I headed into the public library and sat down at a table with my journal. Here is a bit of what I wrote…
“I am confident that God will provide me with all that I ever need. All I need is Him. I take too much stock in other things. I have too much dependence on routine and in my own sense of control. This reveals to me a lack of trust in God. Sometimes I think and act like, “Yes, I want God’s will, but I’m going to make it happen.” This is just not how it works. I am not a necessary instrument in the carrying out of His plan….It is my prayer to remain here, in the knowledge of the truth, in the arms of my Lord, and with a mind both aware of my sin and open to receive healing and desiring of change. I want to live worth of my calling. I want to be the example people think I am. What amazing things happen when your focus is on God, and when you ask and then allow Him to speak.”
I then prayed for God to fully take charge of my life. I told Him that I was okay with whatever His plan was for me. I would go where He wanted me to go, and be open to His plan.
I met my husband the very next day…..exactly one week after I’d sworn off dating and doubted the existence of love. God had a plan for me. I hadn’t been able to see it, as I had been so focused on myself. I was impatient and ungrateful, wanting immediate gratification and MY plans to work out. When I opened myself up to what God had for me, my life completely changed. Yes, I met the most incredible man, but I also began to live in freedom and peace….dropping my anxiety as I yielded control over to God.
I’m not sure where you’re at today. You may think I’m crazy or disagree with me and that’s completely okay. All I can speak to is what has transpired in my own life. I know what it is like to live when I’m trying to take control. I know the frantic, anxiety-filled, unhappy way of life that comes from trusting solely in yourself. I also know what it’s like to surrender yourself to God and be open to His plans for your life. Every time I’ve given my plans, my circumstances, and control over to God, amazing things have happened. No, you won’t always find a husband, but there will be opportunities, shifts in attitude, mental clarity, peace, and limitless possibilities.
That day in the library, a few song lyrics from The OC Supertones kept running through my head. I’ll leave you with them.
“On your team God, can You use even me? Oh hold me in Your arms of love. Sometimes, I swear I feel your heartbeat. I could never ever thank you enough. Here’s my life for whatever it’s worth.”