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Developing an understanding of your love language, and the love language of those closest to you is paramount in creating a loving and healthy relationship.
Showing love to others in their love language is critical. We tend to give love the way we want to receive it. While we are acting with the best of intentions, those with a different love language may not receive our actions/words as love. Additionally, we may not realize that things we are doing may come across as unloving to those we care about.
Read through the descriptions of each of the five love languages. I’ve included a basic description, as well as ways that someone with each language will feel particularly loved and unloved.
For more information regarding the Love Languages, click HERE. You can also purchase the book, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
None of the languages are “better” than another. We are unique beings, created with individual needs and preferences. There is no right or wrong when it comes to your love language. You are the person you were created to be, and may receive love in a way that is different than those close to you. (That’s why it’s so important to work to understand your love language and those of the people you care about!)
Remember, that each person needs each of the five languages to an extent. A Word of Affirmation will likely appreciate a helping hand in the kitchen. A Physical Touch may appreciate a special one on one date.
However, each of the five areas may not make you feel LOVED. Everyone will have a primary love language. That is, one of the five languages will resonate with you as the way you most feel loved.
When trying to determine the love language of a spouse, family member, or close friend, a telling sign can often be the way in which they SHOW love. We tend to give love the way we wish to receive it.
When we learn to speak the language of those we care about, we’ll begin to grow a deeper and more loving relationship as we begin to truly meet their needs and love them in a way they can receive.
Words of Affirmation
This person needs positive reinforcement, encouragement, and praise. They receive love through words. They crave validity and long to be appreciated and recognized.
Show love to this person by:
Praise a Words of Affirmation person whenever relevant. Recognize their work, accomplishments, and efforts. Seek out ways to pay compliments, show appreciation (verbally or written), and give words of thanks. A simple, “I love you,” , “You’re a valuable part of the team,” or “You are doing an incredible job,” go a long way with a Words of Affirmation.
This person feels UNLOVED when:
A Words of Affirmation will be especially hurt by put-downs, insults, etc., especially in front of others. This person can easily feel unloved if someone else is praised or complimented in front of them. When they see someone else acknowledged, they may feel as though their own work/efforts are in vain/unappreciated and therefore will feel unloved.
Physical Touch
This person needs physical touch and affection. They receive love through touch. They crave a tactile connection.
Show love to this person by:
Greet a Physical Touch with a friendly hug. When speaking with a Physical Touch, make an effort to connect physically, with a light touch to the arm, etc. Showing love to a Physical Touch who is not your spouse or child may feel or seem uncomfortable, but make every effort to give non-sexual touches.
This person feels UNLOVED when:
A Physical Touch will feel especially hurt by any type of negative body language. They are sensitive to connection and may perceive a closed-off body as an unloving posture. In marriage situations, a Physical Touch may feel especially unloved when a spouse uses physical connection as a “weapon” (ie – withholding touch when angry, etc.) Additionally, (and obviously), a Physical Touch will feel unloved with any type of physical abuse or hurtful touches.
Quality Time
This person feels loved through quality time spent with another person. They receive love through focused attention. They crave undivided and individualized attention and time.
Show love to this person by:
When speaking with or spending time with a Quality Time, be “in the moment” and fully present with them. Listen carefully when they speak and set aside other distractions. A Quality Time wants to feel as though they are a top priority in your life. Keep all scheduled appointments and be on time when you’ve made plans together.
This person feels UNLOVED when:
A Quality Time will feel especially hurt by distractions. If your eyes are constantly on your phone or the tv when speaking with them, know that they will feel unloved. Checking the clock, or looking for an “out” when speaking to a Quality Time will feel devastating to them. Making a Quality Time feel as though they aren’t a priority will hurt. Cancelling (especially at the last minute) can feel very unloving to a Quality Time.
Acts of Service
This person feels loved through actions. For an Acts of Service, actions speak louder than words. This person craves having their tangible needs met and looks for things to be done.
Show love to this person by:
Lending a helping hand will help an Acts of Service feel loved. Do something tangible to meet one of their needs. Take a task off their to-do list, help ease a burden, or help take on some of their responsibilities. An Acts of Service craves help and enjoys having their tangible needs met.
This person feels UNLOVED when:
When working together or side by side, an Acts of Service may perceive someone who is lazy or not “pulling their weight” as being unloving. If you make plans or a promise to do something for an Act of Service, not following through can be devastating. If someone creates more work (especially in addition to regular duties/responsibilities) for an Act of Service, they will feel under-valued and unloved.
Receiving Gifts
This person feels loved through the receiving of gifts. They appreciate sentiment and thoughtful gifts. They crave the feeling that comes from knowing someone made an effort/put thought into a special gift. They want to be remembered.
Show love to this person by:
Choosing an especially thoughtful gift will make a Gifts feel loved. The gift itself isn’t about the size or material worth – with a Gifts, it really is the THOUGHT that counts! Make an effort when selecting something for a Gifts. Gifts appreciate sentiment and personal touches. A Gifts is all about thoughtfulness.
This person feels UNLOVED when:
A gift chosen without any thought or care can devastate a Gifts. Similarly, a hastily written card or note (or a purchased card with simply a signature) can make a Gifts feel undervalued and unloved. Dates can be important to a Gifts, so forgetting things like birthdays and anniversaries can feel unloving.
Spend some time this week making an extra effort to speak the language of those closest to you. Evaluate your interactions with these people, and make sure you aren’t acting in a way that is making them feel unloved. Strive to show love, and show grace with those who may not be speaking your language.
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Great article–I loved it !!!